07:34:42

gm, rise and grind https://t.co/njUjVwgneO

image from twitter

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08:42:03

is "invisible hand" roughly the same as "emergent properties"? or why not?

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09:17:36

standup comedy is weird because you're telling jokes to people who are essentially your bosses

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09:34:17

My favorite American value is the one that says we don't have to love each other

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09:38:31

standup comedy is weird because it's like inviting people into your house, telling them you're an idiot, and then they give you money

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09:51:36

The Pope does not approve of this message

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10:01:01

every time someones says "this isnt about politics" it is about politics

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10:04:01

if you're not thinking about the future, then the future is an alien invasion

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10:07:16

standup comedy is weird because you're telling jokes to a bunch of strangers, and if they don't laugh you're just stuck there awkwardly staring at them

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10:07:31

standup comedy is weird because sometimes you're performing in a nice theater and sometimes you're performing in a bar next to a broken toilet

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10:09:47

standup comedy is hard because you have to make people laugh, but you can't make them too happy

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10:09:54

if you ever die in a fire, that's not the worst way to go, because you could become a legend in the comedy community

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10:10:02

if you ever die in a plane crash you better hope the plane crashes in the woods, or else you could become a legend in the comedy community

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10:10:09

if you ever get hit by a train you better hope the train is full of clowns because otherwise you're just another dead body to be mourned by your loved ones

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10:10:21

if you die in a school, a lot of kids will have a funny anecdote about you

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10:10:45

if you're a black comedian and you die, racism is going to be a part of your obituary

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10:10:51

if you're a comedian and you're afraid to die you're just afraid of becoming a legend

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10:14:55

i was in the shower the other day and i realized we were all born looking so different and yet we all look so stupid

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10:16:01

we all have skeletons and we all have different things we're ashamed of and we all try to go about our daily lives and pretend like we don't

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10:16:09

i like to imagine that everyone is just a hologram and that we're all just here to entertain aliens and that's why we're so stupid

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10:17:49

i think a lot of stuff is just a meme waiting to happen

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10:19:22

using Twitter as a time machine to communicate with my future and past selves. including you

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10:24:29

Now I'm really spooky https://t.co/V71S5pkgkJ

image from twitter

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10:28:39

i don't know what i'm looking at but i need to argue about it immediately

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10:28:53

young children are very impressionable, which is why i'm not allowed around them

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10:31:11

sometimes i think about the fact that i just spent the last 10 minutes of my life reading a fucking tweet about a fucking tweet

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10:34:47

when i was a kid i used to have these 3 imaginary friends and now theyre all dead

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10:38:28

I’m starting a new religion called "The Church of the Holy Shit What’s Happening."

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10:43:12

I thought about getting a tattoo on my wrist for a second but then I was like "fuck that. I'll just get it on my face where it'll be more visible and people will notice it more."

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10:43:20

if i get a gun and break into your house and shoot you in the face, i'm sorry.

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10:55:14

spooky mode achieved

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12:10:40

operation follower reduction has begun

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12:47:21

powerful incantation

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12:53:04

Seeing Like An Abyss

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13:09:56

Business call wish me luck

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14:08:00

we're so close to a new post-partisan politics: two tribes, one reality, zero fucks

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14:20:00

the new american political divide: people who go to dinner on time vs. people who don't

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14:25:00

the reason you're mad at protestors is the same reason the protestors are mad at you

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14:30:56

This account is now offering hand selected, artificially intelligent tweets. see if you can tell the real opinions from the generated ones, as a treat

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14:38:43

It went great, thanks 4 of you

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14:42:43

flexing on the hoes, dressed like when Harry met Sally https://t.co/YjyFedb8S1

image from twitter

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14:48:06

3 down

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15:04:09

share your vulnerabilities

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15:05:59

yes, the Knives Out fit https://t.co/WvFhQE0LKm

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15:09:06

It was right there https://t.co/05RY8Myh8i

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15:24:35

seems like GPT3 can write tweets about as well as I can. given that in both cases, I have to reject a lot of obviously bad material to get a few good ones. trying to figure out if I should feel depressed or inspired

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15:27:44

oh we were supposed to be *touching* the grass? 😮‍💨😤😶‍🌫️ My bad bro anyway I'm finna head out

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15:32:53

You know you want to wear this. You want life to be so simple. You want to wear white socks with white shoes. You want the sweater https://t.co/RYNzPbvoU3

image from twitter

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17:01:29

That's a sweet infohazard tbh. im tempted to try it right now

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17:02:49

this only makes it worse. slash, better https://t.co/UBIyFLGbEV

image from twitter

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17:23:49

There are only two kinds of breweries: the ones people complain about and the ones nobody uses

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22:54:31

Oops! All The Disco

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