01:09:09

mosquito try to get at me while I was peeing but I shot her down

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10:18:54

New game: its called get high and go to the grocery store and buy stuff you never bought before

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10:55:35

thinking about becoming the Nardwaur of Big Brain Twitter

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10:56:02

Don't forget to get toilet paper too though

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11:08:26

what if Kanye dropped Hurricane right at the moment a hurricane dropped

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11:23:23

Well, the devil went down to Nardwaur, he was looking for a soul to steal. But Nardwaur popped up with a Hot Wheels truck that he remembered from his first Happy meal https://t.co/ymf9k9P1Dp

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11:24:16

did I accidentally post face or something? why is everybody sliding my DMs

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11:32:42

no A cool thing about white leather shoes is if you crash your bike enough times, they will develop a unique "patina"

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11:40:13

what's it called when you're not mutuals with somebody and you don't follow them and they don't follow you. But you're in the same neighborhood of Twitter so you still see each other's posts

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11:42:03

Love my fellow twitizens

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11:47:17

headphones are like sunglasses for your ears

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11:49:45

This is one of my best ever tweets. I don't care if it never gets attention

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12:08:22

what's your least favorite of my opinion

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12:24:20

apparently my bike route involves a gravitational slingshot maneuver of some kind https://t.co/OFiJDDvapy

image from twitter

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13:18:07

I remain undefeated https://t.co/br75Buj7XH

image from twitter

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13:26:17

Young King Dave

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13:32:28

I will accept my prize now https://t.co/v5ObhVHL3b

image from twitter

image from twitter

image from twitter

image from twitter

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13:40:06

I actually managed to completely avoid the center of the universe somehow

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13:45:10

You could design an entire wizarding faculty from the speakers at programming conferences

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15:04:15

why would I, as a bookseller, care if you leave your books all tilted and smashed up? fold the cover back. Let the spine get cocked. Take a shower with it. supply goes down, demand for my books goes up cha-ching

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19:37:32

gf has never seen Kingsman The secret service. until now...

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